How Jesus Treated His Mother

How Jesus Treated His Mother.

About every six months, I'm greeted with a new wave of guilt-inducing speeches from my family on “Why I should re-connect with a certain family member” Usually, these guilt-inducing speeches involve one or more of the following phrases:

“But she's family, and she's the only one you've got!”
“There's two sides to every story.”
“The Bible says to honor your father and mother.”
“What would Jesus do?”

In light of my commitment to Christ, my desire to follow Him with my whole heart, and my ability to read, I decided to look in the Bible and see exactly how Jesus treated his mother. After posting this, I'll let my family, friends, and other Christian brothers and sisters draw their own conclusions.

What we know from the Bible

In Mark chapter 3, we're given a fascinating glimpse into Jesus' family of origin:

“20Then Jesus entered a house, and again a crowd gathered, so that he and his disciples were not even able to eat. 21When his family heard about this, they went to take charge of him, for they said, "He is out of his mind." [emphasis mine]

Wow, they thought he was nuts.

Jesus “spoke to them [those assembled] in parables,” and gave a teaching.
 
“31Then Jesus' mother and brothers arrived. Standing outside, they sent someone in to call him. 32A crowd was sitting around him, and they told him, "Your mother and brothers are outside looking for you."
 33"Who are my mother and my brothers?" he asked.
 34Then he looked at those seated in a circle around him and said, "Here are my mother and my brothers! 35Whoever does God's will is my brother and sister and mother."

What? You mean Jesus didn't talk to his own mother and brothers when they called him? I thought the Bible said to honor your father and your mother?

It does.

I'm proposing that this passage gives a model by which we can have a Biblical approach for distancing ourselves from family members, while still upholding the Biblical command to honor our father and mother.

1)Jesus understood that there are not necessarily two sides to every story.

Jesus' mother and brothers clearly thought that he was crazy, that they should “take charge of him”, and that they should interrupt the teaching that he was currently giving in order to “take charge of him.” Were they right? Of course not. No matter what your beliefs on the divinity of Mary, you cannot find any scriptural basis for believing that Mary could be right and Jesus could be wrong, in this or any situation. I understand that in human relationships, this is normally not the case. People are fallible, and no one other than Jesus is perfect. However, sometimes, parents are simply wrong. It's not ok to hit a child, for example. It's not ok for parents to hit each other, especially in front of the child. It's not ok to abuse alcohol or other drugs, to sexually abuse the child, or to subject the child to verbal/mental/emotional abuse as well. If a parent is wrong, as Mary was, what should a child say to “honor” their parents? Can you imagine Jesus saying, “Ok mom, I'm crazy, so I'll come with you and run the carpentry shop and keep my mouth shut.” Of course not.

2)Jesus did not engage his family in a confrontation.

We can see that Jesus specifically was told that his family was waiting for him, and chose not to go outside and meet them. We can see from other scriptural sources that he knew the intentions and thoughts of those around him, (Matthew 9:4, Matthew 12:11, Luke 9:47, and possibly others.) so we can safely assume that he knew his family's thoughts. He could have gone outside, talked to them, and said, “I'm not crazy, I'm the Messiah, I'm the son of God, and I have to do what I'm doing right now.” He chose not to do that.

Why not? Couldn't he have used his Messianic powers of persuasion to win them over? If God was really in Jesus' calling, wouldn't God have convinced Jesus' family that Jesus wasn't out of his mind? We don't know. However, I do know what it's like to consistently set boundaries with family members, and consistently have them run over. Perhaps Jesus knew it would be futile. Perhaps Jesus had already gone over this story...over, and over, and over again. Either way, Jesus did not try to persuade his family that he wasn't nuts. He didn't go and set new boundaries and say, “You tow the line or I'm walking out.” He simply disengaged.

3)Jesus declared a family of choice.

 “34Then he looked at those seated in a circle around him and said, 'Here are my mother and my brothers! 35Whoever does God's will is my brother and sister and mother.'”
Jesus did not say, “You only have one mother/one sister/one brother, so maintain that relationship at all costs.” He said “Whoever does God's will” is His family. This notion that we are to be intimate relationships with people who are destructive is simply not supported in scripture. What if Jesus had continued in this relationship on their terms? What would have happened to Jesus' ministry?
In my own life, there is an amazing couple who functions as a combination surrogate parent set/big siblings/best friends to me, and I am so blessed to have them. I also have a man and woman who I consider a brother & sister—and we even get on each other's nerves occasionally. I have countless spiritual children, and two natural children, and a husband who loves me unconditionally. I'm not obligated, by scripture or any measure of society, to stay in relationships that are destructive. God promises that as long as we do the will of God, we will have a family.

We see how and why Jesus distanced himself from his family of origin. However, how did he fulfill the Biblical command to honor his mother at the same time?

1)He met her physical needs.

In the book of John, we see the crucified Christ making sure that his mother was provided for: 26When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to his mother, "Dear woman, here is your son," 27and to the disciple, "Here is your mother." From that time on, this disciple took her into his home.

However, notice that he did it through a third party! He did not come off his cross and stop the ministry that God had given him in order to fulfill his scriptural obligations as a son. We know from scripture that John is the only one of the original twelve disciples who died a natural death, so we can infer that Jesus picked the best available care-giver for his mother's earthly needs. With this in mind, I believe it's perfectly reasonable that children who are able to can care for their parents in their old age—regardless of how the parents treated the children—and fulfill the requirements outlined in 1 Timothy 5:16: “If any woman who is a believer has widows in her family, she should help them and not let the church be burdened with them, so that the church can help those widows who are really in need.” This does not mean we have to sit around playing shuffleboard with them, or bring our kids over to see them, or allow ourselves to be drawn into their never-ending drama or abuse. We simply are ordered to care for their needs.

2)He forgave his mother.

We know from Acts 1:14 that Mary, the mother of Jesus, and the brothers of Jesus, were counted among the disciples. We also know from our basic knowledge of the Roman Road that no individual is granted salvation unless they repent. At some point, it's reasonable to infer that Jesus' mother and brothers repented of their sins, and asked Jesus for forgiveness. Therefore, he accepted them as disciples, and as those who “do the will of God.”

However, since we are not perfect, and no one should pray to us for forgiveness, we should be aware of the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. According to Cloud and Townsend in the wonderful book Boundaries, “Forgiveness” only requires one party in a conflict, whereas “Reconciliation” requires both. If one party in a conflict will not admit to wrongdoing, there can be forgiveness, but there can be no reconciliation.

Given the circumstances of my family, and the Bible verses mentioned above, I don't believe it's unreasonable that I've maintained no-contact with my mother for nearly six years, and with my sister for nearly one. I believe it's Biblical, I believe it's reasonable, and I believe it's absolutely necessary for the protection of my current family. If you don't agree with me, I'm sorry, but I've made up my mind. God Himself will have to change it.

If this has helped you or encouraged you, I hope you'll leave me a note to let me know. I'm literally going against the grain of society AND of church-culture, and it's a very lonely place to be.

Thank you.