"But she's your mother!"

This is probably my least-favorite of all the word-bombs that well meaning people consistently throw at me: "But she's your mother!"

The implication or the outright statement is something like this: "This is the woman who gave you birth, who breast-fed you for at least a year, who sacrificed her own dreams and ambitions so that you could be everything you were made to be. She watched you grow, she cheered you on, she loved you unconditionally, and now you're **abandoning her** in her time of need!"

If my mother were like most mothers, this would be true.

However, most people who toss around the statement, "But she's your mother!" rarely even think to ask, "Why would you *choose* to break contact with your mother? What were the circumstances surrounding this?"

The assumption people seem to hold--consciously or unconsciously--is that a mother's maternal instict would not possibly allow her to *hurt* her child. Therefore, they assume that responsibility for the break in the relationship must rest *mostly* on the child's shoulders. People are generally willing to allow that "the mother made some mistakes," however they're quick to point out the difficulties of parenting, and assume (there's that word again) that the mother did the best she could given the circumstances.

Well, what if those assumptions weren't true?

What if she *did* hurt her child? What if she consistently and maliciously tore her child's soul apart? What if she abused her child? What if something in her "maternal instinct" was defective, and allowed her to use her child in favor of her own self-interest?

No one seems to stop and think that this could be possible. Of course, they can imagine a father doing it. In fact, people are so familiar with the concept of an abusive man that they've labled an innocent white tank-top a "wife-beater shirt!"

But a mother couldn't possibly hurt her kids. A wife couldn't possibly be the abuser of her husband, right?

Right?

RIGHT?

I'm sorry, but that's not true. I watched my mother kick my father in the stomach over and over again during a fight. I've watched her slap, punch, elbow, and pull hair. There are police reports that document how she did the same thing to my sister.

If you ask her why she did it, do you know what she says? "He MADE me do it."

Assumptions about maternal instinct are not a valid reason to criticize my decision to break contact with my mother. Think of another one.